Being Thereabout the book

Within 24 hours of the September 11 attacks, a complex of tents and refrigerated trucks appeared on 30th St. and 1st Ave., adjacent to the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner (OCME) of New York City. This makeshift compound housed the temporary morgues that would receive human remains recovered from Ground Zero. <br/><br/> The Chief Medical Examiner’s office is attached to the New York University School of Medicine. Med School dorm rooms directly overlook 30th St.<br/><br/> In the months following the attacks, approximately twenty NYU medical students volunteered to work alongside the undermanned OCME staff, sorting, cataloguing, and identifying human remains. Some of these students had been in medical school for only a few weeks. All were inexperienced at this work. <em>(continued)</em> I became interested in these students, their experiences, and the unanticipated psychological and emotional consequences of their decisions to volunteer. In June of 2002, nine months after the attacks, I photographed and interviewed 16 of the OCME volunteers. For the portrait sessions, I asked each subject to bring something that had helped them survive their time in the morgues. For the interviews, I asked the students to describe what they did, what they would remember, how they were changed by the experience, and, finally, to describe the significance of their props. <br/><br/> The results were sometimes surprising, and always moving.... These images will stay with me a long time-the smell; how incredibly violent this was. It didn’t bother me ‘til Christmas....I woke up shaking. I was having nightmares about planes hitting the ground or a building-people are running, falling, dying -- and I couldn’t do anything for them. <br/><br/> Challis stayed with me in my room when I’d wake up and have the nightmares. <br/><br/> I pretty much grew up a Quaker. It’s a very pacifist view. I have a few guiding ideas about how to get through life. They’re being really challenged now. Allison helped me with this. I was happy to have my family around me. I’d completely isolated myself. <em>Michelle had been in Medical School two weeks when she became one of the first OCME volunteers. She worked obsessively in the morgues throughout her entire first semester.<br/> The window in Michelle's dorm room faces the 30th street complex. Rather than subject herself to the view of the morgues from her bed, Michelle slept with Patrick on her floor.</em> <br/><br/> Patrick was the only 'person' I could stand. I would sit in my room, scratching Patrick under the ears.... I'm allergic to real animals... <br/><br/> Being strong has always been the way friends and family describe me. I don't know about that anymore. <br/><br/> I wonder sometimes if what I'm going through now is worth it -- particularly since I was expendable. I tend to put on a happy façade -- so people will think I'm fine. I paste on a smile so I don't have to deal with the questions. So when I get home, I'm exhausted; from trying to appear happy, and from feeling sad -- and [Craig] gets the brunt of that. <br/><br/> I feel that he feels obligated to stick around. Love is an obligation. Thank God for that. I know now that he has helped me in ways that I'll never be able to quantify. <br/><br/> Even though I'm not back to where I was [before the OCME work] without him I wouldn't have come this far. <br/><br/> I thought only parents were supposed to put up with you this long. Everything was gray, regardless of the race of the victim. BUT, when you found a person with their wallet, the police would take everything out to photograph, and you'd see these bright pristine colored pieces of plastic. <br/><br/> That's also when you'd see who these people really were- what they looked like. <br/><br/> I felt more religious during this period. I haven't been much of a church going person, but the book represented the fact that God and faith helped get me through this. <br/><br/> On 9-11, there was such a feeling of helplessness... I was glad I was in a situation where I could do something. I'd gone through many autopsies, but never anything like this... <br/><br/> You also see, smell and touch things that don't ever want anyone to see or touch -- ever.<br/><br/> For the living you try to provide hope, and to find a way to bring them back to wellness; and for those who have passed on you try to give hope and heal those who remain behind, whether its by returning their loved one's to them, or having them know finally what happened. <br/><br/> I'm a big believer in toys, and a sense of humor. The puppet's name is Magda, named after a friend of mine... I could channel silliness through Magda. For better or worse, I'm known as a bit of a clown, and I had friends who needed cheering up. We all got a good laugh out of it -- which was a rare commodity. <br/><br/> A friend and colleague of mine was on the [Pentagon] airplane. I was supposed to talk to him earlier in the week, and didn't get to it. His name was at the top of the casualty list. It really makes you think that it's never too early or late to tell people how you feel about them. He was a friend and a role model. <br/><br/> The complete randomness of it... <em>Wasif is a practicing Muslim. He's worked as an EMT since high school. In the weeks after 9-11, he worked as an EMT and in the morgue.</em> <br/><br/> After 9-11, I would wear my EMT shirt so I wouldn't be harassed... I don't want to have to prove myself. Just because I'm Muslim doesn't mean I'm 'other'. We could talk about this a long time, how people focus on the enemy as a uniting point... <br/><br/> I had a goatee before 9-11, but I got rid of it a week later -- sort of less threatening... I thought I'd lay low I guess. <br/><br/> [Being Muslim] was something I had to deal with after 9-11. We're not a perfect country. I'm infatuated with my cat. I take it for granted that he'll always be there. <br/><br/> When I'd come home from the morgue, he'd smell everything, so I'd go in the bathroom and take off my clothes and wash my hands... <br/><br/> I never felt that I needed more than my cat. I think about all those people who lost loved ones. My cat is always there. <br/><br/> I think about coming home to an empty house. I feel like I need someone there a lot more now. My great aunt Sylvia was like my grandmother. She lived in this apartment on the Lower East Side my whole life. I’ve visited there since I was little...She worked on the 80th floor of one of the twin towers. We’d go out on the balcony and count the floors. So, growing up, I always associated her with this view. Then she passed away my senior year of college. I graduated and went to live there... <br/><br/> On Sept 11 I went back home and was afraid to go out on the balcony. I’m so glad I have that picture of what I saw 27 years.... <em>Haydee brought Michelle as her "prop" to the shoot. </em> <br/><br/> Some [remains] came in Brooks Brothers bags because apparently they ran out of body bags and they were sending things in the Brooks Brothers suit bags, which to this day I don’t think I want a Brooks Brothers suit... ...I remember one person, one girl who looked, I mean she looked like she could have been one of my Wellesley classmates.<br/><br/> I definitely have a respect for death now, and how people view death. I think it has changed me to the benefit of my patient care and the way I deal with death in my family and of loved ones... I couldn't have dreamt of the extremity of the situation. You see autopsies in movies, but you can't appreciate the other senses -- smell, touch, hearing -- even taste...nothing can prepare you for this. <br/><br/> I look back and say 'how the hell did I do that? You detach, you dehumanize, and then return, if you're lucky. <br/><br/> If I'm feeling emotional about something, I'll write it down, and do it effortlessly. But in the early days, I couldn't write anything. <br/><br/> It took several weeks before I could write -- it was the start of my rehumanization. <em>Denitza lived in Bulgaria until age 11, where she started playing tennis.</em> <br/><br/> I'd signed up for a tennis tournament in Central Park a month before 9-11. It was held the following Saturday and I decided to play. It felt good to get away from the posters, the smell, people crying. All I had to worry about was someone's backhand. <br/><br/> In some ways, [working in the morgue] is like tennis. You practice six hours a day, six days a week and you don't ask 'why am I doing this?' You just do it. <em>Three days after the attacks, Elizabeth learned that the father of her childhood friend was missing. </em><br/><br/> I think I did feel guilty about not being able to help her and I felt like...I don’t know, working there would somehow make me feel better about that. <br/><br/> [But]...in a sense it made it worse because I found that I wasn’t able to continue with it...the images of the things that I saw there, you know, kept recurring in my dreams... <br/><br/> Joe helped me with that a lot...he told me ‘look you know you’re crazy for feeling bad. You don’t have to go and you’re not a weak person...I felt that I wasn’t able to contribute much positively to the situation...so just the feeling of overall not, not being a useful person." <em>Eunice is very close to her cousin, Christine. Christine worked in building 2. </em> <br/><br/> I thought 'holy shit' Christine's down there. I tried to call her at work, but couldn't get through. I started crying and classmates tried to calm me down. It was incredibly upsetting trying to get through... Her mom, my aunt, fainted. <br/><br/> She was on the 65th floor. When [building] 1 got hit, her boss, who'd been there in '93, had them leave immediately. She was in the stairwell on the 10th floor when her building was hit, but she got out. She's a lucky girl. The worse part was not knowing. After that, I understood why people posted up flyers all over the city... <br/><br/> I thought working at OCME would help people find out what happened. The truth of the matter is, I kind of knew walking in that medicine is inherently a losing battle. You know that the best physicians in the world eventually lose 100% of their patients. <br/><br/> My godfather Gus was one of the major people involved in the 9/11 forensic investigations...Around December he went to a physician because he was feeling sick and...he was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer...and he just became really sick rather quickly and passed away very early in May -- right as medical school was ending for me.<br/><br/> The [photo] is of him when he was much younger...when he was I think a rookie...I think I like that picture most just because it reminds me of -- I’m sure he was about the same age that I am now. At some point I realized we were looking for persons, not looking through bodies...<br/><br/> My first two times [at OCME] I did triage, which is basically [to] open up the bags and sort through to see if it was human remains or not...and progressively the [remains] that actually arrived together were smaller and smaller... <br/><br/> There were so many people that still weren’t found...<br/><br/> ...I don’t think I’ll ever look at death the same way again because it was such a huge presence of an entire year of my life. The crucifix is just a catholic thing. The candle -- I'd walk to the church on 33rd and light a candle... it's very beautiful -- light in the darkness, that sort of thing. It's ritual; you do it without thinking. <br/><br/> I've had my rosary since my first communion. I'd fall asleep with the rosary in my hand. It's just a comfort -- you can't crawl into bed with mom anymore. I've lost a lot of faith. What I saw... I don't talk to God anymore. I used to, but now I don't. <br/><br/> Religion has always been a comfort. Now I'm very angry. Thinking of 9-11, how can you love any Being that allows this to happen ? <br/><br/> It's strange. I still ask God every day if I can believe in him. <br/><br/> He hasn't answered yet.